As a new year begins for me alongside this stream I feel like the time is coming to share a few personal things with you.
No not that personal well then again maybe.
You know insight, a reason for still being here. I thought I could hide behind a few pretty pictures but a few have seen through my exterior and are behind me hiding but also know in time my story will come to light. I am really writing a few books, I have the words all in my head now to make them come out the way you who write do. Guess that is my fear that in telling a story the reason for it gets lost in the wrong words as I am not a writer maybe more a story-teller, again hiding the real heartbreak.
So 35 years ago I was a month away from having my baby. No way of knowing the sex back then. I was just 21 and the baby’s father wanted me to have an abortion. Are you kidding me, this is what you say to a young woman you have known all your life. A girl next door. One you had unprotected sex with not once but two times. I was devastated that I was pregnant and unmarried me the good girl, the Girl Scout, the Rainbow Girl. I do not know what I wanted him to say as he was not marriage material, I knew that but we were friends. He was a year older and had lived a troubled life, I know I have to stop making excuses for him. So I grabbed the cash that was offered to FIX IT and drove home in tears.
I told no one. Only he and I knew. I did tell him before walking out with the cash to NEVER come near me again.
I went to a clinic finally in my six month. I then told my Mom in the seventh month I guess that way no one could do a thing about it, like what he had suggested. My Mom was upset but I was 21 and living out on my own and working sixteen hours each day. What she did not know till my eighth month was that I had gone down to a local adoption agency and had picked new parents out for my baby, who had yet to be born.
Her sister had cancer and could not have babies and had adopted two little boys that she adored. She made a difference in their lives. Two boys from two different mothers. Her world was complete. I knew I would be a great mom I was awesome with children but I could not be a dad as well. My child deserved the best in life and I set out alone to make that happen. Twenty one really was young back then to do all that thinking alone. The ocean became my favorite place to go and walk in tears or sit and think and pray to God for him to watch over this child.
So in my eighth month I asked Mom to go to the adoption agency and sign the papers as a witness. I look back now and think what a horrible person I must have been to make her sign below my name giving up the first grandchild. She wanted me to bring home the baby and with their help I could do it she assured me I could but it was my child and I wanted more for it. She never spoke to my dad about signing the papers and when he took me to the hospital in labor that Saturday morning he had no idea what I was doing. I knew I had disappointed them and brought shame upon them but I always made it better in my mind knowing I had chosen life for my child and a home where they wanted a baby so bad because they could not have their own. I am not sure my parents ever truly forgave me in their hearts as it was never spoken about again. You see I was all alone at the hospital in labor doctor said I could still change my mind, it was my baby. Nurses held my hand as I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy. Blonde hair and Blue eyes. He weighed 9 lbs. 8 oz. I had him completely natural. I swore to God that day I would do anything and go through what ever hell I had to as long as he always watched over my baby.
That baby will be thirty-six come February. Yes I met him over the phone when he was 31. A year and half later he drove into my front yard here along this stream, where he said a Great Blue Heron had welcomed him. He may have been away from me for thirty-one years but without a doubt he is truly my child. He is so beautiful ok handsome and such a beautiful artist and I will be sharing all I can about him, with you, because he has made a beautiful ending that all stories should have.
Now there will be some more stories I will share with you that you can be sure of but my days are numbered with you, hiding behind photos. I will really kick it into gear to sell them as cards, puzzles or prints. You see I really am writing a few books when I can sit with less pain in my heart .
Thank you Chris another blogger who knows another part of my life through our blogging but this is where the life I lead began and it where I really had to begin the story from, as after thirty-one years I finally know WHY. Why I was who I was. Why I allowed others to do what they did to me but you know what there is a very happy ending and I thank God for making that possible. There have been many times in my son’s life and mine that had things gone differently we never would have held each other and kissed or felt complete.
Thanks for listening