After I had my son there was no reason for me to stay in the hospital. He was healthy and beautiful and nurses, bless them, kept bringing him in only to say OOPS, sorry, do you want to hold him? I asked the doctor if I could get discharged, he understood and said it would be OK, good thing as I was going anyway. I had things to do.
It was mid February and there had been snow. Mom came to get me as I had stayed the last 2 months at home and my car was there. I was in a hurry to find an apartment. I needed to get out of the family home, no reason to cause them more pain seeing me each and every day in pain and tears.
I worked at the factory where I had been for three years. They had taken up a collection for me but I gave it all back except for some cash for new clothes. I also took a job at a local gas station and worked 8 hours at both jobs. I had to stay busy. One of the young guys who worked at the station with me was looking to move so we found an apartment with 2 bedrooms and he worked days at the station and me nights. I would come home at 11:30 PM and supper would be wrapped up in oven on warm. It was perfect. I left the station we worked at together and moved a half mile further down and worked for another station so I could do oil changes and brakes, more money.
For a year and a half I did some heavy drinking on Sunday nights, at a club out of town or at a friend’s house. Loud rock music, draft beer I thought would help me get over him being gone, it didn’t. Friends, mostly men and their girlfriends never said a word to me when I had come home without him. Not sure how they felt but they knew a part of me had changed and pretty much died.
So after working sixteen hours a day and going out on Sunday nights for ten-cent drafts I met a man. He was 10 years older and a trucker.
He was divorced with visitation for the little boy they shared. I am not saying that is why I dated him but in the end I am sure it is why, for a small, very small part for the reason I stayed over and over.
So just a year and half after kissing my baby goodbye I meet this man with a son. He often tried to get visitation but the two of them him and his ex always fought usually over a lousy thirty-five dollar a week support check and she was already married to a bank president. I saw this as crazy, what was right was right. Share as the courts ordered it. So I was the go between, driving down to pick him up this cute little four-year old boy. Him and I had a blast while he was with me till his father got out of work and picked him up. He had ben trying to buy a home, and get back on his feet it had been two years since they had divorced. She had five children from her first husband . I made assumptions I would later realize were wrong and it could have cost me my life in the end.
So I dated him on and off for three years. Off because there was a lot of abuse. I would walk out and move he would promise never again and I wanted to believe him, I wanted to be loved. Not liked, loved.
After three rough years with some good fun and some very horrible days he asked me to marry him. I said no. He begged me to give him a chance and that he would never hit or kick me again. I looked in his eyes and saw tears and thought he was being truthful. I said yes alter knowing him for more than 3 years but less than four. The night we went to get married he was in tears, not me.
I know I was younger by ten years and I worked with lots of men. I was going to driving school for big rigs too, so I could run a rig with him. He was drinking more and more, no I am not making an excuse just stating a fact. He was changing and I was newly married. I was not married three weeks when he beat me so bad I walked a local highway for twenty-five miles, hours walking and crying. I had a few truckers pull over to ask if I was OK and if I needed a ride. I was a young blonde girl , in tears and they may have been nice but I kept walking. No cell phones back then and when I got to an exit Mom is who I called. Poor Mom grand baby gone, daughter bloody and bruised, but who else could I call?
Mom brought me home to their home and I washed up. I had left our home and everything I owned behind. Mom asked what he did after he was done beating me and I told her he had left for the road. She drove me to a local Ford dealer who made me another key for my pick up I had left behind, he had the keys, and she took me up to get my things and truck. Dad changed my ignition and the man I used to babysit for had a steering wheel tool, The Club he gave me as he would be able to get the door open. I actually never thought I would see my husband again but sadly it was not the end of it.
I was out front of my parents home with my aunt and he came racing up to the house and before I knew what had happened he had my by my hair trying to drag me to his car. My Mom and Aunt screamed at him to leave me alone and to leave before the police were called. Why was no one on the phone already? He finally took off when he saw I was not going willingly.
Again I stayed back home found a new job this time driving a truck by myself. I was loving life. Yes married but no word from him.
I went out Friday night with friends after two weeks on the job and a pay check for two beers. We were listening to a great band when up walks my husband and again grabs me by the hair and proceeds to drag me through a club and out the door, no one stopping him. Once outside one of my friends pushed him and he fell, we were sober he was not. Police were called but so was he by then.
It was nine months later when he waits at the top of my parents roads and waits to see me pull in. He gets out and I yell for Mom to call the police. This is crazy, she cares what the neighbors think. Me I just want to live.
He comes up and says he is sorry, as I walk backwards he begged me to listen. He said he was so sorry. He also proceeds to tell me he has not touched a drop of alcohol since the last time he saw me to which I jump in and say ” You mean when you dragged me by the hair out of a local club?” He swore things would be different. He swore he loved me. Yes you know what I did, I went back. We were good for 6 months and he started having a beer or two.
Now all this time apart you would think I was getting stronger but no just the opposite I was lost after I placed my baby for adoption wanting to be loved I kept believing him and when he would tell me no one else would ever want me or love me I eventually believed this as well.
We had some nice days together but really more bad than good. I stayed another 10 years in this odd marriage of a sad lady and a drunk man. It is a recipe for disaster. We had his son living full-time for maybe five years of our marriage and he was also physically and verbally as well as emotionally abused. One night after his Dad was horrible to him he picked up the phone no not to call the police but to call his brother and he moved out.
We had two rigs I drove one him the other. I drove local and he was on the road. I had peace till he arrived home.
I met him in the end of 1978 and in May of 1995 I called the police on him for the very first time. He had held a loaded gun to my head and told me I smelled to good to have been in a rig all day. I asked him to put the dogs out before he killed me so they would not see me like that. He lowered the 44 cal. pistol and poured himself another drink. He had made it up to almost two fifths of Canadian Club on a drinking day. When he passed out I hid the gun. I told him he was to LEAVE NOW and to GET OUT. I called the police and they escorted him from the home. I went the next day and got a retraining order on him. A year later the judge told him to watch me leave the court room, as I was the best thing he ever had in his life and he had destroyed me as well.
When I received my divorce decree, I was given a permanent restraining order against him. Funny I guess no one read his to him. A year to the day he showed up here wanting to say Hi. I yelled from the door ” I’m calling the police! ” he walked out of the yard and I have never laid eyes on him again. I also gave him all the so-called friends and I set about rebuilding my life. Working hard, giving love another chance to ending that after eight years, on my terms. It was time to make my life for me and a few years after being alone, the one man I always loved walked back into my life. I am so blessed.
I now know why I made it. I had Angels watching over me through all the beatings and the insanity of me sticking it out , till a gun was pulled. I am strong. I made it when so many lost their lives loving the wrong person, better yet not loving themselves. I now know I stopped loving me the day I signed on that bottom line letting my baby go to a home where I would not be. I knew what I did for that couple with no baby of their own was good but I hated myself that day so why would anyone ever love me, really love me.
So now that my son and I have found each other and he knows I always loved him and he loves me I can finally let go of the pain of loss and begin to live again.
I am working on accepting the fact that I deserve happiness though it doesn’t come easy for me. Funny how it all comes together after a 32 year detour but it has and I am so very happy to share my world with the love of my life and my son and my two cute pets and all of you.
I am so blessed.