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After My Son Was Gone

After I had my son there was no reason for me to stay in the hospital.  He was healthy and beautiful and nurses,  bless them,  kept bringing him in only to say OOPS, sorry, do you want to hold him?  I asked the doctor if I could get discharged,  he understood and said it would be OK,  good thing as I was going anyway.  I had things to do.

 

It was mid February and there had been snow. Mom came to get me as I had stayed the last 2 months at home and my car was there.  I was in a hurry to find an apartment.  I needed to get out of the family home,  no reason to cause them more pain seeing me each and every day in pain and tears.

 

I worked at  the factory where I had been for three years.  They had taken up a collection for me but I gave it all back except for some cash for new clothes.  I also took a job at a local gas station and worked 8 hours at both jobs.  I had to stay busy.  One of the young guys who worked at the station with me was looking to move so we found an apartment with 2 bedrooms and he worked days at the station and me nights.  I would come home at 11:30 PM and supper would be wrapped up in oven on warm.  It was perfect.  I left the station we worked at together and moved a half mile further down and worked for another station so I could do oil changes and brakes, more money.

For a year and a half  I did some heavy drinking on Sunday nights,  at a club out of town or at a friend’s house.  Loud rock music, draft beer I thought would help me get over him being gone,  it didn’t.  Friends,  mostly men and their girlfriends never said a word to me when I had come home without him.  Not sure how they felt but they knew a part of me had changed and pretty much died.

So after working sixteen hours a day and going out on Sunday nights for ten-cent drafts  I met a man.  He was 10 years older and a trucker.

He was divorced with visitation for the little boy they shared.  I am not saying that is why I dated him but in the end I am sure it is why, for a small, very small part for the reason I stayed over and over.

So just a year and half after kissing my baby goodbye I meet this man with a son.  He often tried to get visitation but the two of them him and his ex always fought usually over a lousy thirty-five dollar a week support check and she was already married to a bank president.  I saw this as crazy,  what was right was right. Share as the courts ordered it.  So I was the go between,  driving down to pick him up this cute little four-year old boy.  Him and I had a blast while he was  with me till his father got out of work and picked him up.  He had ben trying to buy a home, and get back on his feet it had been two years since they had divorced.  She had five children from her first husband .  I made assumptions I would later realize were wrong and it could have cost me my life in the end.

 

So I dated  him on and off for three years.  Off because there was a lot of abuse.  I would walk out and move he would promise never again and I wanted to believe him, I wanted to be loved.  Not liked, loved.

After three rough years with some good fun and some very horrible days  he asked me to marry him.  I said no. He begged me to give him a chance and that he would never hit or kick me again.  I looked in his eyes and saw tears and thought he was being truthful.  I said yes alter knowing him for more than 3 years but less than four.  The night we went to get married he was in tears,  not me.

I know I was younger by ten years and I worked with lots of men.  I was going to driving school for big rigs too, so I could run a rig with him.  He was drinking more and more,  no I am not making an excuse just stating a fact.  He was changing and I was newly married.  I was not married three weeks when he beat me so bad I walked a local highway for twenty-five miles, hours walking and crying. I had a few truckers pull over to ask if I was OK and if I needed a ride.  I was a young blonde girl , in tears and they may have been nice but I kept walking.  No cell phones back then and when I got to an exit Mom is who I called.  Poor Mom grand baby gone, daughter bloody and bruised, but who else could I call?

Mom brought me home to their home and I washed up.   I had left our home and everything I owned behind.  Mom asked what he did after he was done beating me and I told her he had left for the road.  She drove me to a local Ford dealer who made me another key for my pick up I had left behind, he had the keys, and she took me up to get my things and truck.  Dad changed my ignition and the man I used to babysit for had a steering wheel tool, The Club he gave me as he would be able to get the door open.  I actually never thought I would see my husband again but sadly it was not the end of it.

 

I was out front of my parents home with my aunt and he came racing up to the house and before I knew what had happened he had my by my hair trying to drag me to his car.  My Mom and Aunt screamed at him to leave me alone and to leave before the police were called.  Why was no one on the phone already?   He finally took off when he saw I was not going willingly.

Again I stayed back home found a new job this time driving a truck by myself.  I was loving life.  Yes married but no word from him.

I went out Friday night with friends after two weeks on the job and a pay check for  two beers.  We were listening to a great band when up walks my husband and again grabs me by the hair and proceeds to drag me through a club and out the door,  no one stopping him.  Once outside one of my friends pushed him and he fell,  we were sober he was not.  Police were called but so was he by then.

 

It was nine months later when he waits at the top of my parents roads and waits to see me pull in.  He gets out and I yell for Mom to call the police.  This is crazy, she cares what the neighbors think.  Me I just want to live.

 

He comes up and says he is  sorry,  as I walk backwards he begged me to listen.  He said he was so sorry.  He also proceeds to tell me he has not touched a drop of alcohol  since the last time he saw me to which I jump in and say ” You mean when you dragged me by the hair out of a local club?”  He swore things would be different.  He swore he loved me.  Yes you know what I did,  I went back.  We were good for 6 months and he started having a  beer or two.

 

Now all this time apart you would think I was getting stronger but no just the opposite I was lost after I placed my baby for adoption wanting to be loved I kept believing  him and when he would tell me no one else would ever want me or love me I eventually believed this as well.

 

We had some nice days together but really more bad than good.  I stayed another 10 years in this odd marriage of a sad lady and a drunk man.  It is a recipe for disaster.  We had his son living full-time for maybe five years of our marriage and he was also physically and verbally as well as emotionally abused.   One night after his Dad was horrible to him he picked up the phone no not to call the police but to call his brother and he moved out.

 

We had two rigs I drove one him the other.   I drove local and he was on the road.  I had peace till he arrived home.

 

I met him in the end of 1978 and in May of 1995 I called the police on him for the very first time.  He had held a loaded gun to my head and told me I smelled to good to have been in a rig all day. I asked him to put the dogs out before he killed me so they would not see me like that.  He lowered the 44 cal. pistol   and poured himself another drink.  He had made it up to almost two fifths of Canadian Club on a drinking day.  When he passed out I hid the gun.  I told him he was to LEAVE NOW and to GET OUT.  I   called the police and they escorted him from the home.  I went the next day and got a retraining order on him.  A year later the judge told him to watch me leave the court room,  as I was the best thing he ever had in his life and he had destroyed me as well.

When I received my divorce decree,  I was given a permanent restraining order  against him.  Funny I guess no one read his to him.  A year to the day he showed up here wanting to say Hi.  I yelled from the door ” I’m calling the police!  ”  he walked out of the yard and I have never laid eyes on him again.  I also gave him all the so-called friends and I set about rebuilding my life.  Working hard,  giving love another chance to ending that after  eight years, on my terms.  It was time to make my life for me and a few years  after being alone,  the one man I always loved walked back into my life.  I am so blessed.

 

I now know why I made it.  I had Angels watching over me through all the beatings and the insanity of me sticking it out , till a gun was pulled.    I am strong.  I made it when so many lost their lives loving the wrong person,  better yet not loving themselves.  I now know I stopped loving me the day I signed on that bottom line letting my baby go to a home where I would not be. I knew what I did for that couple  with no baby of their own was good but I hated myself that day so why would anyone ever love me, really love me.

 

So now that my son and I have found each other and he knows I always loved him and he loves me I can finally let go of the pain of loss and begin to live  again.

I am working on  accepting the fact that I  deserve happiness though  it doesn’t come easy for me.  Funny how it all comes together after a 32 year detour  but it has and I am so very  happy to share my world with the love of my life and my son and my two cute pets and all of you.

 

I am so blessed.

 

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72 thoughts on “After My Son Was Gone”

  1. Wow, my friend…what a story and what a life. I’m glad that you’re finding a way to let go of the pain and to be happy. How wonderful for you to be reunited with your son. 🙂

      1. I have two immediate thoughts:
        1. I hope you are carrying some form of weapon on you.
        2. A law officical need to raid this man’s home for any guns, clubs, bats, fertilizer, knives, & chemicals.

      2. When I filed for a restraining order I left the box unchecked for relinquishing firearms he was a motorcycle club member and owned many guns 2 of which were AK’s with 500 rounds
        I left it blank for leverage

        I do have a permit to carry but he is old and police come right away and I am not living alone. I am 56 so he is 66

        Don’t worry about me I am not that sad lonely girl who suck in now I will be his worst nightmare though he did mess me up bad enough to go search for peace 🙂

      3. That Christmas eve gunman was 65yr old. He had intention of killing and burning everybody in his neighborhood, but he ended up killing 2 firefighters instead 😦
        I trust you are in a much safer place now, but you have to promise us not to follow any more of those misguided “romantic” paths, okay? 🙂

      4. Let’s see my lawyer put it perfectly he was not a man he only beat on woman. children and animals he would never go one on one with a man
        Coward he called him and I got it

      5. did somebody say, ‘BIKE’??!! lol. you should definitely pick one out. Just think how much further you can go in the woods with the help of your shiny new mountain bike 🙂
        I think your camera and a mountain bike will make a really good team 🙂

      6. Thanks working on my body repairs now so I can pedal they wanted me to use a recumbent bike but with back trashed it makes my whole leg go numb now Harley’s I can run! lol

      7. I have a back problem, too. But for some reason, cycling helps to strengthen my back. I actually think I got the back problem from all the years of riding my hog. Oh, yes, I do miss my old softail deuce! 🙂

      8. 🙂 had sportsters, FLH, FLT nothing like climbing out of a semi on a long hot day and climbing on the bike for a ride up along the coast of Maine just to cool down from a day of TRAFFIC ll

      9. oh man, that does sound like a blast! You are one classy biker 🙂 Did you ever do Sturgis or bike week? Now you got me thinking about motorcycles.lol.

      10. Biker bashes were the norm lol for 10 years he ran with clubs. Sturgis yes but not bike week the Black Hills I went through every week going from Boston to west coast deliveries 🙂 I live less than an hour from Laconia and LOVE DAYTONA as it fall when snow is HERE lol

      11. Eun!!! must we always uncover your most interesting & facinating stories via comments? lol. You have some serious writing to do in coming days.lol.

      12. Ye I have had a FULL LIFE! I always said when I was done living I would be the one sliding into HOME BASE! You were right 13 years was a big chunk too not really live so I have been doing my best to LIVE a few stumbles since meeting my son after 32 years but even that is getting better slow but sure 🙂

      13. And thats another one I am so looking forward to reading about, day out with your son 🙂
        What is he doing with his life? Is he gonna make you a grandma yet? lol

      14. When I married him he was 32 clean cut small mustache and when he left he was getting ready to leave with police he was mostly bald with huge white beard drinking does a number on ones body if you have been at it for 10+ years

  2. What an incredible journey you’ve been on. I cried, I held my breath, I prayed, I was relieved. I am happy to hear you and your son have been reunited. I hope the future holds nothing but good things for you.

    1. If all I end up with is peace inner peace I shall be so blessed Thanks for reading and commenting in Mid Feb. I will share a story about my son and then I will go away for 10 day silent retreat and come back whole like I used to be or that is the plan 🙂

      You never know how much to share and how little you can get away with saying and still getting your point across but you got the gist of the pain and worst part I figured it was mine to bear for letting my son go even though in my heart I knew I gave him a beautiful life with lots of money 🙂

    1. I never knew the loss of something you love more than life it’s self could change a person so profoundly I am so glad to be BACK!

      It was a very long and hard road but I am here with all of you
      xo
      Eunice

    1. OH honey never give up on seeing her. We all have a story don’t we mine were hidden from just about everyone I cared for and I see that is where I went wrong I made another couple happy by entrusting them to love him and I am sure they did but he is me through and through 🙂 as you are really who your parents were. To give up a baby is life changing I see that now since looking into those beautiful eyes of my son. Are you listed on Adoption.com? I was but he hate computers and hid the fact he was adopted though others could clearly see he was not of them 🙂

      My next story in a month will be of him 🙂

      No more gut wrenching posts about abuse and loss only trucking and animal stories 🙂 I want the next chapter in my life to be what it always should have been and I am will to put in the work to get there. There will be a book I hope to write for police and woman shelters to pass out.

      HUGS
      Eunice

      1. Yes I registered long ago and even hired someone to find her but she does not want to be found so I must respect that. Somethings are left better unknown maybe, for her and for me.

      2. You know my son never looked on line but he did finally get mad enough wondering why I never LOOKED for HIM lol that he marched into the adoption agency office I am glad it was still there sad too it was still there. I am in contact with two people if you ever want to try again.

    1. Thanks I always liked that commercial You’ve Come A Long Way Baby! It was for cigarettes though 🙂

      but I have first 18 years wonderful next 18 not so great but I have the rest under control.

      Some falls were tough but I always got up there is something planned for me can’t wait till I am told WHAT 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by

      Eunice

  3. My dear Eunice, I knew we had a special bond. I too had a child when I had just turned 16. I kept her though, I wish I would have had to guts to have given her to someone who could have given her the things she needed. She had held her childhood against me all these years and still throws it in my face when she needs money I don’t have. I also have lived with abuse but am past that now. I don’t think I will ever think I am good enough to be happy though. Thank you for sharing my friend and I can’t wait for the book!

    1. You were worth it the day you were born just like me Nancy we just really do have to let go of STUFF and LOVE ourselves or no one else will ever think us worthy.

      Humans are a nasty bunch they have been since the start you did what you needed to do and the best you could with being told you were not good enough in one way or another as was I but you see what is happening here we are brought together you with story on your dogs me with photos who knew I do love and care about you and and we being new sisters and all can work the BS out and get the life we deserve it is hard being knocked down and looked upon by children in a way so hurtful mine was filled with joy then silence I knew it was a lot to take in but it is all OK I love him and he knows it that is all I wanted.

      Hugs Nancy coming at you we are a part of a sisterhood of pain and shame but we are here and lord knows I should not be 😦

      Eunice

      1. Eunice you brought tears to my eyes with your kind comments. One thing I know for sure is we are survivors and that makes us strong. You are a sweet friend and I am glad to have you in my life. Thank you!

      2. I was just telling Ron we were meant to meet there are so many more who suffer as we do that you can be certain off

        Hang in there and love who you are not because of what you could not do but what you could. I am going away in March for a silent retreat to get real joy back in my heart for mankind I will let you know after how it went it is free and helps those with deep sorrow inside heal.

        Love
        Eunice

  4. Sweet, wonderful, talented, BRAVE Eunice. Do you know how many women you just helped immensely with this post? Keep it coming. It is YOUR TIME now! Enjoy every second. It is so deserved. Try to get your head around all the love that is beaming your way. Look at your inbox.
    Incredible isn’t it? And YOU made it happen.

    1. Thanks Cindy.

      Sp many times I almost did not make it and I am so grateful I did. Never knew till I met him how or why I was saved I now know without a doubt it was meant to be this way good and bad happy and sad it is what life is.

      Thanks for reading it I am not a writer but can write this story I lived while laying on my back looking up at the stars using just my finger in the air I am alive sad too but alive and this will all come to mean something even more beautiful than I ever could have imagined in my darkest hour

      Thanks for not judging
      Love
      Eunice

  5. Dear Eunice, Thanks for your courage and love in sharing your story. You are not alone. We have all said and done things that we wish we could undo. But, then, we wouldn’t be able to share our hurts and our healings with those who most need to hear our stories. Continue to encourage and inspire those around you. You are special! Blessings, Bette

  6. When I was reading all of this I thought perhaps it would end up being a ‘fiction’ story…but I am so sad for you that it wasn’t…that it all happened but oh so happy that you are alright and free of him and his abuse….Diane

    1. Thank you Diane I am safe and healthy and happier every day .I was doing great till I reunited with Mike and all the pain surfaced again and just know letting go gain. This will be the best year for me 🙂 The world did not end and I have made so many friends here. I thought if I wrote a free book to help others it would make sense and one about my pets is a no brainier as they have been showered with all the love I could not give my child and one on Travel across the USA in a rig as when I did it I had a blast and so did the people who met me 🙂

      Diane one thing about me you need to know is I am such a realist after having lived through things I never should have. I could never write this kind of fiction 😦 Even when I would try to write a poem on 20 lines blog it was raw and so real. I lost my rose colored glasses in 1977 when the world became oh so real to me . The good thing about all this is I now know why I allowed him to do what he did to me seeing my son and looking in his eyes I am so grateful my son was not raised by a man like my ex God did watch over my son and I and allowed us to be here long enough to know what real love is. I too am glad I to be rid of my ex it has been what 17 years give or take so it was just re-living it that was hard but too many secrets for me to carry anymore 🙂

      Eunice

  7. Dear Eunice, I too until the end had thought this was creative writing…I am touched by your strength, and truly happy to learn that you have reunited with your baby boy 😀 May you stay happy. 😉

    1. Wow
      So many thought it was just a story oh how I wish all of it was.

      Thanks so much and I did not know how much to put in as it was the end that I looked forward too just letting go of it all and living freely of guilt, shame, sadness you know all that stuff that makes us doubt who we are.

      I have come so far but got stuck after meeting him like I could not let go anymore so it is what I am working on now as yes the baby is a beautiful man with lots of pain as well from just one loving act we both had to take our own journey and boy what a ride it has been

      Thanks for your support
      2013 will be a GREAT YEAR

      XO
      Eunice

  8. I’m so sorry I missed this, Eunice –
    I just can’t believe what an incredible gift you are. I’m so glad you shared… but more glad that you’ve come through this hell with hope intact.
    You are an amazing person.
    hugs and love to you.
    Sue

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