My Posts

After My Son Was Gone

After I had my son there was no reason for me to stay in the hospital.  He was healthy and beautiful and nurses,  bless them,  kept bringing him in only to say OOPS, sorry, do you want to hold him?  I asked the doctor if I could get discharged,  he understood and said it would be OK,  good thing as I was going anyway.  I had things to do.

 

It was mid February and there had been snow. Mom came to get me as I had stayed the last 2 months at home and my car was there.  I was in a hurry to find an apartment.  I needed to get out of the family home,  no reason to cause them more pain seeing me each and every day in pain and tears.

 

I worked at  the factory where I had been for three years.  They had taken up a collection for me but I gave it all back except for some cash for new clothes.  I also took a job at a local gas station and worked 8 hours at both jobs.  I had to stay busy.  One of the young guys who worked at the station with me was looking to move so we found an apartment with 2 bedrooms and he worked days at the station and me nights.  I would come home at 11:30 PM and supper would be wrapped up in oven on warm.  It was perfect.  I left the station we worked at together and moved a half mile further down and worked for another station so I could do oil changes and brakes, more money.

For a year and a half  I did some heavy drinking on Sunday nights,  at a club out of town or at a friend’s house.  Loud rock music, draft beer I thought would help me get over him being gone,  it didn’t.  Friends,  mostly men and their girlfriends never said a word to me when I had come home without him.  Not sure how they felt but they knew a part of me had changed and pretty much died.

So after working sixteen hours a day and going out on Sunday nights for ten-cent drafts  I met a man.  He was 10 years older and a trucker.

He was divorced with visitation for the little boy they shared.  I am not saying that is why I dated him but in the end I am sure it is why, for a small, very small part for the reason I stayed over and over.

So just a year and half after kissing my baby goodbye I meet this man with a son.  He often tried to get visitation but the two of them him and his ex always fought usually over a lousy thirty-five dollar a week support check and she was already married to a bank president.  I saw this as crazy,  what was right was right. Share as the courts ordered it.  So I was the go between,  driving down to pick him up this cute little four-year old boy.  Him and I had a blast while he was  with me till his father got out of work and picked him up.  He had ben trying to buy a home, and get back on his feet it had been two years since they had divorced.  She had five children from her first husband .  I made assumptions I would later realize were wrong and it could have cost me my life in the end.

 

So I dated  him on and off for three years.  Off because there was a lot of abuse.  I would walk out and move he would promise never again and I wanted to believe him, I wanted to be loved.  Not liked, loved.

After three rough years with some good fun and some very horrible days  he asked me to marry him.  I said no. He begged me to give him a chance and that he would never hit or kick me again.  I looked in his eyes and saw tears and thought he was being truthful.  I said yes alter knowing him for more than 3 years but less than four.  The night we went to get married he was in tears,  not me.

I know I was younger by ten years and I worked with lots of men.  I was going to driving school for big rigs too, so I could run a rig with him.  He was drinking more and more,  no I am not making an excuse just stating a fact.  He was changing and I was newly married.  I was not married three weeks when he beat me so bad I walked a local highway for twenty-five miles, hours walking and crying. I had a few truckers pull over to ask if I was OK and if I needed a ride.  I was a young blonde girl , in tears and they may have been nice but I kept walking.  No cell phones back then and when I got to an exit Mom is who I called.  Poor Mom grand baby gone, daughter bloody and bruised, but who else could I call?

Mom brought me home to their home and I washed up.   I had left our home and everything I owned behind.  Mom asked what he did after he was done beating me and I told her he had left for the road.  She drove me to a local Ford dealer who made me another key for my pick up I had left behind, he had the keys, and she took me up to get my things and truck.  Dad changed my ignition and the man I used to babysit for had a steering wheel tool, The Club he gave me as he would be able to get the door open.  I actually never thought I would see my husband again but sadly it was not the end of it.

 

I was out front of my parents home with my aunt and he came racing up to the house and before I knew what had happened he had my by my hair trying to drag me to his car.  My Mom and Aunt screamed at him to leave me alone and to leave before the police were called.  Why was no one on the phone already?   He finally took off when he saw I was not going willingly.

Again I stayed back home found a new job this time driving a truck by myself.  I was loving life.  Yes married but no word from him.

I went out Friday night with friends after two weeks on the job and a pay check for  two beers.  We were listening to a great band when up walks my husband and again grabs me by the hair and proceeds to drag me through a club and out the door,  no one stopping him.  Once outside one of my friends pushed him and he fell,  we were sober he was not.  Police were called but so was he by then.

 

It was nine months later when he waits at the top of my parents roads and waits to see me pull in.  He gets out and I yell for Mom to call the police.  This is crazy, she cares what the neighbors think.  Me I just want to live.

 

He comes up and says he is  sorry,  as I walk backwards he begged me to listen.  He said he was so sorry.  He also proceeds to tell me he has not touched a drop of alcohol  since the last time he saw me to which I jump in and say ” You mean when you dragged me by the hair out of a local club?”  He swore things would be different.  He swore he loved me.  Yes you know what I did,  I went back.  We were good for 6 months and he started having a  beer or two.

 

Now all this time apart you would think I was getting stronger but no just the opposite I was lost after I placed my baby for adoption wanting to be loved I kept believing  him and when he would tell me no one else would ever want me or love me I eventually believed this as well.

 

We had some nice days together but really more bad than good.  I stayed another 10 years in this odd marriage of a sad lady and a drunk man.  It is a recipe for disaster.  We had his son living full-time for maybe five years of our marriage and he was also physically and verbally as well as emotionally abused.   One night after his Dad was horrible to him he picked up the phone no not to call the police but to call his brother and he moved out.

 

We had two rigs I drove one him the other.   I drove local and he was on the road.  I had peace till he arrived home.

 

I met him in the end of 1978 and in May of 1995 I called the police on him for the very first time.  He had held a loaded gun to my head and told me I smelled to good to have been in a rig all day. I asked him to put the dogs out before he killed me so they would not see me like that.  He lowered the 44 cal. pistol   and poured himself another drink.  He had made it up to almost two fifths of Canadian Club on a drinking day.  When he passed out I hid the gun.  I told him he was to LEAVE NOW and to GET OUT.  I   called the police and they escorted him from the home.  I went the next day and got a retraining order on him.  A year later the judge told him to watch me leave the court room,  as I was the best thing he ever had in his life and he had destroyed me as well.

When I received my divorce decree,  I was given a permanent restraining order  against him.  Funny I guess no one read his to him.  A year to the day he showed up here wanting to say Hi.  I yelled from the door ” I’m calling the police!  ”  he walked out of the yard and I have never laid eyes on him again.  I also gave him all the so-called friends and I set about rebuilding my life.  Working hard,  giving love another chance to ending that after  eight years, on my terms.  It was time to make my life for me and a few years  after being alone,  the one man I always loved walked back into my life.  I am so blessed.

 

I now know why I made it.  I had Angels watching over me through all the beatings and the insanity of me sticking it out , till a gun was pulled.    I am strong.  I made it when so many lost their lives loving the wrong person,  better yet not loving themselves.  I now know I stopped loving me the day I signed on that bottom line letting my baby go to a home where I would not be. I knew what I did for that couple  with no baby of their own was good but I hated myself that day so why would anyone ever love me, really love me.

 

So now that my son and I have found each other and he knows I always loved him and he loves me I can finally let go of the pain of loss and begin to live  again.

I am working on  accepting the fact that I  deserve happiness though  it doesn’t come easy for me.  Funny how it all comes together after a 32 year detour  but it has and I am so very  happy to share my world with the love of my life and my son and my two cute pets and all of you.

 

I am so blessed.

 

Advertisements
My Posts

BIG ONE

100_2592

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

100_2589

 

 

 

Big dog right?

Loved as you can see.

This dog loves to play but on this day in the pouring rain, where I had entered JT into two rounds of Disc Dog play,  this Great Dane had spent the day either taking cover in the back of his owners posh van.  Then he popped out to check out the action on the field.

I love BIG DOGS

Not so much the small barking ones,  well I love ALL DOGS but not for ME.   I love happy dogs that are quiet.  JT does bark like a dog should danger appear in our yard,  in the form of an animal posing danger NOT THE TURKEYS  and BIRDS, but any human even if she knows then will receive a bark,  one barks says Hello I know you and the other Mom you better get here quick and yes I do know the difference.

I have owned two Great Danes.

My first was my ex-husbands , half-sister (first time I had ever heard that term) Great Dane puppy  who had bitten her.  Oh joy he was bringing back to our home a dog with an anger issue.  This was in 1979.  The pup, HUGE AS HE WAS came bounding out of his caddie  heading straight at me!  I had never seen a dog so big but said “Hi Sasquatch” (Big Foot).  His sister at least was cool about naming her dog,   a cool and very appropriate name.  He ran up and almost knocked me down!  A very happy go lucky, though rambunctious soul he was, boy you should have seen him skate across those hardwood floors, guess the ex never gave the home a thought when it came to this beautiful dog.

It only took a few days for us to get used to each others routine.  He ate like a horse!  He would come in to wake me each morning by gently grabbing my forearm,  gentle he was but I was still covered in Black and  Blue marks. The ex was on the road a lot back then and I was only living with him then and was not working so it was a perfect time to train this dog properly.  I have to say I never saw a mean gesture from this pup but  happy tail could leave a nasty bruise though.  I would attempt to walk him many times each day I say attempt as he mostly walked me!  What a sight we must have been to the passerby. A young blonde with this HUGE BLACK DOG leading her around.  How I loved Sass.

It was the following year on an early October day when I had to go do something and I wasn’t going to be long but there really wasn’t enough room in my Pinto for him to stay in for more than a few minutes.  Usually he took my small car to work and left the Caddie but today he had not.  So I dashed out leaving him on his run, we had 5 acres and I would only be gone a couple of hours.

I came home and Sass was gone.  I yelled his name I called and called for him and no dog returned.  I cried and cried I did not know what to think.  We had had a freak 2 inches of snow and I was praying a neighbor had welcomed him in or my ex had come home and taken him with him.  When he came in from work with no Sass I was destroyed what would he do out there all alone in the snow with no dinner.   I called every agency as well as every vet, I put up signs with his photo.  Seems there was a group of thugs that were stealing dogs from their yards and police told me that he was probably a victim of foul play.  You know I would take rides at night and call out for him.  All day my eyes searched the roads and fields for him.  As Halloween approached I prayed that who ever took him would open the door to pass out candy and he could make his escape.  I had so many sleepless nights and even dreamed one time that I found him wasted away,  skin and bones with white paint on him dripping in the rain, like they tried to cover up the big beautiful black dog I loved so much.  Yes loss of a pet affects me to my core.  People have nicknamed me Ellie May you know like the Clampets.  I just love animals so very much and just always want the very best for them.

My Uncle called to say there was a Great Dane he knew of that was being mistreated and would I be interested in giving him a home.  There started the life I lead with dogs needing love and a little food isn’t that what we all need?

His name was Brutus though he was so sweet and walked beside me so sweetly and he adored me as much as I did him.  He knew there would be no more beatings.  He got to live out his life with me till his hips caused so much pain I had to have him laid to rest.  Yes it was hard but seeing him yelp in pain I could not do anything about was even worse.  So I held him and told him I loved him so much and said goodbye.

We were now without any pets and I married him abusive as he was I begged him to sell his home so we could buy a rig and hit the road I was praying the drinking and abusive behavior he dealt out to me would stop if we were busy driving 20 hours a day but that is a story for another day.  It is so hard to share my life with you  as so many tears fall as I try to clear my heart of pain by letting go of all of it.  It is why I dwell on the pretty stuff.

Thanks for checking out the Big Beautiful Dane above  and hearing the story about the two special ones, who shared their lives with me, even though it was too short of a time.  I know they loved me too.